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| 06:34pm 03/06/2003 |
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Looks..its my poor journal that i dont use..cause i undeleted my other one..heh.
i guess i will start using it fer certain people. Yeah..maybe ill make this one...
*slaps self* nevermind! |
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| 08:17pm 01/04/2003 |
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Today was fun. I was a total spaz. MAybe from the strawberry shortcake and all the SUGAR on it, and not sleeping much. But i was going cross eyed and walking into people staring at them. It was fun. I freaked a lot of them out....tee hee.
Caitlin wasnt online today...hm
I called Ed. It was fun to talk to him. He is a funny person.
The whole Justin thing isn't working ither. I knew it was going to end sometime to hey. and he is at open gym, so i will have to talk to him later. I already told Jeff, his dad that it was probably going to end up like this. Ya.. I am going to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show soon ! I dont really have much more to say. I wish i got to talk to Tris a bit more. But things have been, erm slow i guess to say. |
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| 08:15pm 01/04/2003 |
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I wrote this today in classes.
The other day i was talking to my friend Nikc, who lives in Alameda. And i just started ranting all the thoughts that came into my head. Ever and each one of them he found interesting. He usually would as a question about it or comment something. I found it most interesting when he told me to write a book. And if i did he'd read and buy them.
I've considered writing to be one of my talents along with drawing and being a natural dork. But if I ever actually start to try and write a book...well it just doesnt happen. MAybe i dont have the patience and how long the book would have to be gets to me. Its really truly strange though.
Then i thought why not put my journal inot a book. Then the thoughts of ---my journal isn't really organized, it'd be a really hard to follow book. Im probably too lazy to try and make it organized too.
I guess to say I am an out of the blue thinker. Things just go pop.
Like the fact there is probably nothing wrong with me. But i want there to be. I have always wanted to have to be taken away in a straight jacket. Go to an institute. Be insane. Instead I am a very rarely mature girl for my age. With a ton of talent + a big mouth. The benifits of my big mouth- I have a ton of friends. More guys than girls. I guess i am not that shy. And truthfully i think there is something wrong with me. In my head just somethings in there that shouldn't be.
Just waiting for that moment to take over what it thinks is a measely person. It probably thinks it is so ver strong. Vain lil thing. But it doesn't understand that if it wre infact a masculine being, it would have taken over by now. Unless it is keen. And plans to take over when i am more volnerable -- at an age maybe of my mother who is 33. Either way it and I think alike. Although that does make sense since it happens to be in me. Enough of that ramble.
I feel now like ranting about death and God. I DONT believe that anyone really dies. I think they are just to scared to keep going. Or didnt have a choice to keep going. Which is sad. But i dont see God doing anything about it. Then again that whole thing about Him taking you at your time. It just doesnt fit. Doesnt seem fair.
Also i dont understand why isay i dont believe in God. But i do. Its really confusing..I dont know why i am writing this down. I mean does anyone really care? Do people think my thoughts are so interesting?
I find my self, my thoughts, my ideas really odd. Ya ' odd' o is the right word.
You know when you're a little kid and you look at all the older kids. I now know what it feels like to be looked at. And i try and think back to how it felt to be around older people. To tell you the truth, it was as if i was their age.
Thinking this was strange. Like i was really mature? Or did they just treat me like i was? Both ? I suppose i'll never know.
Last night i was talking to my mom about how a friend of mine had told someone on the phone that i had short spikey hair, and was pretty strong. They asked if i was butch. Which I am not. But thats not the point. I was telling my mom this, and she got all up at me on how i dont know what a butch is. She was quite shocked after i explained it was dike. And a dike is a lesbian, and on and on. IT was a real interesting conversation. My dad's eye brows were raised high listening to me...Ya.
Well i've finally cracked Austin open. He called me a freak, and i could tell he meant it. Since 5th grade he has never been abel to understand me. Always he askes " why cant you be normal ? "
Truthfully i really dont want to be normal, or what todays earth considers ' normal ' IT sickens me to be like other people, to be normal. I cant just say that though. Its a malfunction in me that i cant come out and say that. Almost like i need to hear that i am a freak. I know i dont need to hear that, cause i believe it. And i love it. That might sound realyl strange, but its completely honest. Also it can be fun.
I am supposed to be doing grammar but i dont feel like it. Too many things going through my head.Like how cutters and suicides hurt themselves on the outside to kill the pain of the inside. What if that doesnt really help? Maybe it ( the pain) keeps escaping and going to people -- then it multiplies. That could be a theory for why there are so many suicides.
Would there be a reason for people who have the disease ' borderline personality disorder '? I mean why do they have that ? Why drove them to the point that they ither think they are completely hated, or totally the opposite? I want to ask a phsychiatrist all of these. Or read a lot abou the mental diseases. I find them very intriguing fer some reason. |
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| 08:13pm 31/03/2003 |
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Well, i was bored as fuck last night. So i went to my video depot...rented InterView with a Vampire, cause Kevin and I were listening to Rolling STones, and Ya Smpathy fer the Devil came on. And I hadn't seen it since January..so i thought it would be alright. Then i walked to Jane's house on the way back. And she gave me more strawberries, but this time it was Strawberry ShortCake!!!!!!!! I love her !!!!!! And i borrowed Girl Interupted. I watched it all night, cause my mom worked a night shift and wouldn't be here to yell at me to get to bed. Too bad she doesn't know i DONT sleep to much.. Anyways I really liked that movie. it shot me in the head - it was like my dreams in reality almost. I just totally loved it.
But after my mom left and my bro and dad were making dinner, i got in the shittiest mood ever. I was all depressed and spacing out a ton, just oblivious to anything actually around me. I guess my dad kept asking me if i was okay. And i guess i nodded. But i do know i went outside and opened my garage door, and blasted The Deftones, and sat on my dad's truck. It was nice outside. I think that there was a lot o shit going through my head, but i can't quite remember...
When i actually went to my bed, i left my window open and like slept in my jeans and everything. Again weird, but not as weird as the time i woke up in my bath tub..that was odd.
Hah Note to Caitlin : Barry Manilow is a strange taste fer me. bUT I LOVE IT! And when i come to your house, and i am SOO BLASTING IT, screw your neighbors ! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
okay Tristan isn't really much of a talker today. Which is fine. I get like that sometimes. I am just bored. |
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| 08:11pm 30/03/2003 |
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I miss everybody. No one is getting online lately. I almost feel alone. But i haven't talked to Tim or Caitlin both in a few days. Not talking to Tim makes me worry a bit, cause he might be going through something and all this crap going on with his asshole dad.
Caitlin, just doesn't have a computer at home anymore, i hope she gets on again. If not, things will work out somehow. In a couple weekends i might go down to Chico with Lindsey cause she is Prom shopping, then the weekend after that i think i am going to Caitlin's. I just need to find a stupid Train thing with decent times and days.
Tristan put me in a nice mood after all that crying earlier. I was singing RadioHead ' Creep ' right and i quoted * I wish i was special * Tristan says : Hindenburg Gala: *you're so fucking special* And ofcourse i make HUGE lettering and scream THANK YOU. Tee hee. He also made me feel good by saying Hindenburg Gala: I absolutely love you.
Ya life is good right about now. |
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